Glee: ‘Audition’ Quotes

Season 2 of ‘Glee’ is finally upon us! Here are a few quotes from the first episode of the new season, ‘Audition’:

“I feel all tingly. Buzzing. Oh, it’s just my phone. I hope they call back.” — Brittany (during pre-show promo)

“How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?” Jacob Israel to Quinn

Finn: “Rachel is what you’d call a controlist.”
Rachel: “I’m controlling – controlist isn’t a word.”

“Will Schuester – how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your glee club song selection sound like they come from a drag queen’s iPod? … 100% gay.” — Jacob

“People thought I went on vacation but I really spent the summer lost in the sewers.” — Brittany

“Did you know there’s a forum on my blog begging you to stop rapping?” — Jacob to Will Schuester

“When exactly did you end your sponsorship with Land’s End?” — Jacob to Will Schuester

“How do you get the white on rice?” — Jacob to Tina and Mike Chang

“What did you do with all that breast milk?” — Jacob to Quinn

“See this? It’s a court summons for child endangerment ’cause there’s been a line of would-be Cheerios camping outside the high school since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. Went a little ‘Lord of the Flies’ out there. One girl ate a pigeon.” — Sue Sylvester

“Oh God, Will, let me break it down for you. High school’s a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions; not everyone should be champions. The world needs fry cooks; bus drivers …” — Sue Sylvester

“Well then Enjoy a repeat of last year’s last place finish at regionals where even if your team had dropped their sequined-panties and urinated all over the stage like an elderly Carol Channing they literally could not have done worse.” — Sue Sylvester

“First of all, a female football coach like a male nurse – sin against nature. Number two: I’m sure you’re used to hillbilly parents yelping adulation to you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles but you’re in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.” — Sue Sylvester to Coach Shannon Beiste

“You make not trying to destroy glee club easy. You know why? Because you’re doing such a bang up job all by yourself.” — Sue to Will

Puck:  “Dude your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?”
Sam: “I don’t know, I’ve never had any balls in my mouth … have you?”

“Yes, these seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends …. hideous, lonely faculty members who met an early death by good old fashioned school yard bullying. And you know why? Because they tried to cross me. So why don’t you keep on walking?” — Sue to Coach Beiste

“You think it’s easy being a female football coach? Being different? You think I don’t get this everywhere I go? Everyone one told me that Sue was the school bully and that you were really cool. I see they got that last part wrong, huh?” — Coach Beiste to Will Schuester

“You’ll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together!” — Sue Sylvester to Quinn on wanting to tryout for the Cheerios

“This is pretty embarrassing.” — Becky on Finn trying out for the Cheerios

“I’m the captain of the U.S.S. Kick Ass – not the U.S.S. Back Talk.” — Coach Shannon Beiste

“Oh, and Boobs McGee – you’re demoted to the bottom of the pyramid so when it collapses your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, unripened chest and get the hell out of my office.” — Sue Sylvester to Santana after learning she got a boob job over the summer.

“Stop the violence.” — Brittany while watching Quinn and Santana fight.

“I made it up. Coach Beiste didn’t touch my boobs. Actually, I really wanted to touch her boobs.” — Brittany

“The two of you are making a very serious mistake today; the likes which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.” — Sue Sylvester to Will and Shannon Beiste

And let’s hear it for the boy … Chord Overstreet debuts as Sam

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